Can't. Stop. Thinking. About. Cookies.

I told you I had a problem, an obsession, an addiction.

Today its chocolate chip cookies. I just want a plate full of these warm delicious treats with a side of milk. 2%.

And I have no confidence that I can resist.

gettin' serious.

Well, I am right now anyway. Friday night I hated my body. I just wanted to rip the fat off. It was just a bad night for me. I didn't feel comfortable in my clothes all day, I over ate at dinner, and I just felt like crying when I looked at my naked body. I don't know what I have been waiting for? I'm not going to wake up tomorrow 20 pounds lighter.

I have such an issue with motivation. I can't get my lazy, tired ass to stick to a work out or strict clean eating routine for the freaking life of me, and it pisses me off. I just want to push myself all the way. I just want to be one of those people who freaking stick with it! I just want to be allergic to all bad foods. Careful what I wish for, chocolate covered strawberries and chips with some yummy fresh salsa are my biggest weaknesses.

Saturday morning I went to the gym at 7am, just to remind myself that I am out of shape and its disgusting. The whole time I was panting on the treadmill I kept thinking about laying on the couch watching sweet Dexter while eating before mentioned chips and salsa. I could have pushed myself to do more. I could have really worked out, but I took it easy. The next day my legs were sore and that made me happy.

I decided that I wanted to prep my weeks lunches. Afterall, I have gained weight because I sit in a chair all day at the office and go out to places like McDonalds, and Bahama Breeze, and Paymons for lunch and eat nothing but crap. Okay, don't get me wrong. When I go home and cook, it's usually got some nutritional value. Salads and vegetables go with every meal.

So Sunday we headed to the grocery store with intentions of getting all semi-healthy foods for me to cook and eat that week.

When we got home I baked lemon pepper chicken with my most favorite vegetables. Broccoli, Cauliflower, Carrots, and Green Beans. I also made red pepper quinoa with some onion on top. I made one for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. {With hope that Wednesday night I would prep the last two meals for the week}.

I ate this stuff for lunch today, and guess what? I freaking liked it. Like a lot. It was really yummy and filling. Maybe I can do this all week? Hmm.. Maybe I can do this next week too? The week after? We will see.

I know, its not a big step, but I guess I have to start somewhere. Maybe only one day a week I will eat Buffalo Wild Wings or Pei Wei. The other days I will work hard on eating healthier.

{it wasn't even disgusting when I re-heated it, which was a concern of mine!}

I don't want to be unhappy, food is a huge staple in my life. I often think something is wrong with me because I think about what yummy piece of garbage I will put in my mouth next. It makes me happy but I don't want to be the 600 pound lady, but I don't think I can ever be the 110 pound one either. So I want to try to be the 125 pound lady and just be healthy happy with a side of chocolaty goodness here and there.

I'm not going to be there this month, probably not even in 6 months. But my BIGGEST goal this year, is to lose 15-20 pounds, slowly but surely.